Thursday, July 26, 2007

The Boy Who Lived, and that guy who died

These are chaotic times we live in. Violence and unrest plague the Middle East, AIDS is ravaging Africa, and Western civilization is beginning to crumble under the weight of its own self-righteousness and voracity for material wealth.

Of course, there's a more important issue everyone is talking about these days - Harry Potter. With the fifth movie in theaters and the final book recently released, the world is abuzz with questions: "What will Rowling do next?" "What will be the next Harry Potter-esque hit to take the world by storm?" "Why are there two Dumbledores in the movies again?" "Did Neville really kill Harry Potter in the 4th movie?" "Is Hermione a dude?" "My nose itches."
All very important, insightful questions.

I myself being a great intellectual and expert in the literary arts (Which in this day and age, simply entails having read one book in your lifetime, and no, having done a page of Mad Libs once does not mean you qualify.), I can't help but feel that it's high time a particular question is addressed. A question that lingers on everyone's mind, yet no one's had the guts, gumption, courage, chutzpah, or cojones to yet publicly ask. As such, it is my solemn duty to ask and look into this great question myself.

Is Harry Potter Jesus?

Has he really suggested this? Could it possibly be true? Is the author out of his mind? The answers are yes, yes, and no - I mean, yes, possibly, but that's irrelevant in the matter at hand. Shame on you for questioning my credibility. We just can't have civil discussions these days without it all boiling down to mudslinging, can we?

In order to discern whether or not these two exceptionally popular fictional characters do indeed match up, the scientific method not only calls for, but demands a direct comparison of the most important elements that make up these characters, so that we may determine whether or not one is, in fact, the other. In this case, only one element matters - super powers.

Now, let's take a systematic look at these two and how their super powers match up.

Jesus: Nope.
Harry Potter: With a broom, yes. Bonus points for catching the Snitch every time.
Winner? Harry Potter.

Jesus: Unlikely.
Harry Potter: With that cloak, yes. Bonus points for breaking school rules.
Winner? Harry Potter.

Jesus: Killed not once, but twice. Negative points for lameness, and also for dying.
Harry Potter: Not even Voldemort could kill him. And Voldemort didn't have a nose - or many discernible facial features, for that matter - and that only makes evil wizards stronger. (Note: They also look snazzier in suits than good wizards. Pimp, even, one might say.)
Winner? Harry Potter.

Ice breath?
Jesus: Nope.
Harry Potter: Not that I can recall, going by the movies and the first book. (They're the extent of my exposure to the series.) Let's put this in the maybe category.
Winner? Harry Potter.

Ability to talk to fish?
Jesus: Nope.
Harry Potter: No, but he did take some gillyweed and become like a fish during the Tri-Wizard Tournament. Close enough.
Winner? Harry Potter.

Utility belt? (Sure, it's not a real super power, but for the sake of argument, let's say it is.)
Jesus: Not even one of these. Pfft.
Harry Potter: He had enough cool gadgets to make one if he'd wanted.
Winner? Harry Potter.

Jesus: Notorious for bumping into things in the dark.
Harry Potter: He could probably just strap a house elf to his head for a +2 infravision bonus, going by good D&D house rules, anyway.
Winner? Harry Potter.

Army of robot underlings?
Jesus: They didn't even have robots back then. Losers.
Harry Potter: He could probably conjure one up if he wanted, you know, with magic and stuff.
Winner? Harry Potter.

Sandwich-making skills?
Jesus: He was probably okay at it. The poor wouldn't complain about free sandwiches, anyway, even if they were kinda dry, and the pastrami smelt like old people.
Harry Potter: There's probably a spell to make an ultra-sandwich, and he'd know it.
Winner? Harry Potter.

The capacity to wear a hat?
Jesus: Hats frightened people and were banned as works of Satan back then.
Harry Potter: He could probably wear a hat if he wanted to.
Winner? Harry Potter.

And to take things one step further, we look at the focal settings of these stories.
The Kingdom of Heaven: A distinct lack of John Cleese.
Hogwarts: John Cleese in a small supporting role. Bonus points for awesome name.
Winner? Hogwarts.
However you look at it, anyone hoping to go to heaven when they die is going to be disappointed, unless their idea of heaven is a lack of screen time for John Cleese entirely. In which case, they'll probably die in an awkward bowling accident anyway.

And so, we come down to that ultimate question once again: Is Harry Potter Jesus? The results are still inconclusive. It is pretty suspicious that their parents were both wiped out by a nefarious wizard lacking a nose, leaving them with lightning bolt scars on their forehead. Not to mention the fact that Jesus' full name (Unlike the truncated version they use in most printed Bibles today.) is actually an anagram for "Harry Potter is the greatest work of literature in Western history. Also, C.H.U.D. 2: Bud the Chud is the best movie." These words baffle even modern scholars.

However, on the matter of whether Harry Potter is better than Jesus, there remains no question. There is a reason why fundamentalist Christians are terrified of the impact a popular series of novels about a boy wizard could have on the youth, after all. And it isn't just that Harry Potter blows the Bible out of the water ten to one on the beard factor. (Never underestimate the power of great facial hair in literature.) But when dragons attack your town, who do you want protecting you, the guy who can make an okay sandwich or the guy who might have ice breath? We all know the answer to that.

Now that this important issue has been cleared up, I leave you with this nugget of wisdom: Ravenclaw is the best house.

That is all.


Calista said...

I was hoping I would find someone who would NOT care for fantasies of JKR.

stanley said...

Good work! Harry

Josh said...

Jesus is the greatest shit disturber in the history of mankind (not so sure about womankind), almost enough to be Banned in Boston. When Harry Potter is long dead and gone, Jesus will still be stirring shit up.

The Fundamentalists know this. They know that Jesus may – and must – destroy us all.

Including John Cleese.