Wednesday, December 5, 2007

Wait, that's not a Yule Log at all!

"At last!" you all just exclaimed to yourselves, "a holiday season themed update! Surely but the first of many to come!" You sit there shaking giddily in your seats while those around you become genuinely concerned and wonder if you have blood sugar problems. But that's okay. What do they know? They may be thinking that you're diabetic on the outside, but secretly, they're all diabetic on the inside.

And thus, the holiday season - much like Santa Claus when he first came to Earth, riding the meteor the killed all the dinosaurs - has arrived. You'd better believe there've been casualties. Sure, I could harp on the occasional news story you hear every year where someone abruptly dies when out in the madness of the holiday shopping season rush, whether trampled on Black Friday or simply dropping dead from exhaustion later into December. But these stories are relatively unimportant. After all, these are humans we're talking about here - they're always just dying for one reason or another. I'd wonder why someone hasn't addressed the whole species yet with the one statement that could probably put an end to that - "Cut it out already!" - but humans dying is a good thing. If they didn't, the whole planet'd be even more clogged up with various biological flotsam, and another popular mythical figure would have to come crashing in to destroy us. Then all that will be left is a dead, lifeless rock for the giant monster-Santa and space-Krampus to duke it out on. Sure, it would be awesome, but with everybody dead, nobody'd be there to film it and exploit the chaos for magnificent riches. And isn't that all existence is about? Then again, that seems to be the Libertarian philosophy, and I have to say, no thanks.

The best we can hope for here as citizens aboard Spaceship Earth is to re-enact these battles each holiday season, by constructing gigantic twelve-story Santa robots with giant Fists O' Fury(tm) and real working eye laser beams that could level a city block, and having them battle it out with our neighbors' corresponding Krampus-bots. Which will be traditionally lazily constructed, by piling hundreds of full trash bags atop one another from May onward - with beard clippings glued to them, as Krampus' facial hair was pretty spotty at best - and take to the streets in jubilation every December 25th as we attack our neighbors and fill the streets with filth! After five years, the world will be consumed by complete holiday dystopia and we'll finally begin to celebrate the cyberpunk classic, Blade Runner, year round. I forget exactly what the point of this rambling was, but I guess when you get down to it, it's that there's a distinct deficiency of robots and chaos in the holiday season. This is 2007. Get with the program, people!

Holiday traditions. Pretty nutty stuff. Comedian Jim Gaffigan's pointed out well himself that many of them sound like the actions of a drunk man, bringing a tree into the house to decorate for Jesus, or hanging up some leaves so you can get some action. But these traditions? Antiquated. Archaic. Forgettable. Even bull-plop, as individuals afraid to use actual curse words might say. It's time we adopt new traditions. New traditions for the new millennium. The following are just a few ideas.

1) Naked Caroling - A new age spin on a tired classic that nobody does anymore because carolers are annoying. Mind you, if you're even moderately attractive, you might be better off not doing this, as it may titillate listeners instead of traumatize them, producing the opposite effect to the ideal. Anybody can do it. Just venture outside into the chilly winter night clad only in the horrific fleshsuit you were born in and give your friends, acquaintances, and neighbors reason to have you thrown out of the neighborhood. You might not even have to pay to venture to new places and meet new people! Even if they have to sign a form when you first meet them acknowledging their awareness of your status as a registered sex offender. Someday, that'll just be another story to tell the inmates.

2) Yuletide Propagandizing - Politics, politics, politics. Who doesn't love to talk politics, engaging in a rousing debate with people of opposing beliefs for whom you once held respect, and ultimately ended up in a screaming match with, resembling deranged toddlers? This holiday season, try wearing your political beliefs on your sleeve by engaging everyone you know in angry, aggressive political debate - because you're right, and they're wrong - then ending it by shouting "Merry Christmas, motherfucker!" as you stomp off and slam the nearest door you can find. If you're one of those dicks who goes out of their way to openly state controversial political beliefs for the sole purpose of inciting people - things like, "racism is just an opinion! Freedom of speech! You can't judge me for having an opinion!" and "Ayn Rand was a genius!" - you probably are a Libertarian, and we all hate you and your precious Ron Paul. Your participation in this newly cherished holiday tradition is unwanted.

3) Rudolph the Red-Nosed Vandal - Petty vandalism is always fun for everybody. It's a victimless crime! (Unless you count the people whose stuff you messed up. I don't.) Instead of merely writing obscene messages or questionable '80s cartoon references on bathroom stalls, why not write them on your neighbor's tacky plastic Santa/sleigh display out front? They need to know that Jem was not that outrageous after all, and that like many rock stars, she suffered later in life for the same old mistakes made at the height of her fame. Double-necked guitars just weren't cool anymore. Also, bonus points if you can arrange their light displays into something obscene while they're at work.

4) The Eyes of a Christmas Elf - Most of us get invited to holiday parties. Not me, but I don't like parties anyway. Too much noise, too many humans. Regardless, this is a fun game you can play at any holiday party. Upon arrival, pick a stranger - any stranger - and proceed to stare at them from some corner for the rest of the night. They will inevitably notice and become uncomfortable. If they smile or return you look with any sort of positive expression, you must narrow your eyes - almost glower, but keep the rest of your face blank and expressionless. It will ruin their evening, and possibly the rest of their holiday. If they try to approach you, duck behind some people and make your escape to another corner. If they make a big deal out of it and draw all the attendees' attention to their predicament, run up to the second floor of the house - assuming it has one - and jump out a window. Speak not a word during the entirety of the party, and speak not of it afterwards, as though the incident never happened. If successfully executed, you will ruin the entire party. And if you attended said party with a date or spouse, one can safely say that your relationship is over. You had gotten into kind of a rut, anyway.

5) Holly Jolly Freedom of Expression - It's high time the conservatives got what they had coming to them, wouldn't you say? Enough of these "family friendly" holiday displays. Your unique and original commissioned Christmas sculptures are works of impressive art an beautiful displays of human sexuality! If the neighborhood kids' parents want to shield them from the Santa/Mrs. Claus/Frosty three-way and animatronic elf orgy, they can blindfold the little tykes whenever they set foot outside! This is America! They've got to learn about the birds and the bees and the alligators sometime. Think of it as an educational holiday this year.

As you can see, at their core, all new holiday traditions re really about one thing, and one thing only - hate. Specifically, making everybody you have ever been so much as acquainted to despise you. And possibly getting into all sorts of legal trouble. But what a rush! What a thrill! When they come to take you away, at least you can be honest about snorting snow to get into the holiday spirit!

Yeah, this one was mostly incoherent rambling till it found direction later on. I wasn't feeling too inspired this time, and it shows. Haven't come up with a good subject for a more meaningful entry in a while either. I should do that before there's nothing left to this blog but the insane babblings of an inane weirdo. Maybe the next holiday one won't be as terrible.

1 comment:

Elise said...

The eyes of Christmas Elf

This one I have to try! I hope I don't end up laughing...