My Love For You Is Like A Truck

At last, the day you've been waiting for has arrived - Show Your Partner You Care Through Simple Consumer Economics Day! (Sponsored by Hallmark and Stover - because any other brand of chocolate may as well be full of arsenic, you worthwhile pile of human garbage!) Er, that is to say, "Valentine's Day." But that just doesn't have much of a ring to it these days, does it?

Of course, as you all know well by now, I am something of a "love guru," you could say. (Some have even described me as a "luru." I put a stop to that.) And you, the varied internet masses of numerous levels of consistent hygiene, have once again turned to me for advice on the matter.

You'd think I'd have learned my lesson by now, but no, no. Just for you, because I'm a glutton for punishment, here's three ideas for a successful, overwhelmingly romantic Valentine's Day. Remember, if you "score" (I'm not entirely sure what this means. It seems to be something sports-related, and as we all know, I know nothing of those matters.), you have me to thank for it. And you can thank me with money - $12,000, specifically. I'm kind of in a little trouble - made some bad investments in hobo bonds.

1) No Matter What It Is, Say It With Flowers - That was close to some sort of slogan, wasn't it? If not, let's play along. Who knows what love is better than corporate entities, after all? Love is to be bought, neither earned nor freely given - so the free market has dictated it. Hey, get away from the keyboard, Ron Paul! Your kind isn't welcome around here! Sorry about that. Freaky. Anyway, flowers - the Valentine's season is huge for the flower business - especially roses, because it's too much effort to be original in your romantic expressions. This year, why not kick this up a notch? Don't just send your lover flowers - or send them to yourself and pretend someone else had like 8 million Americans do every year. And scattering rose petals up to and around your bed? What rock have you been living under? Instead of that tired old crap, you should find a different flower, one that says something about your relationship - I got you this Venus Flytrap because I secretly want to flay you alive and eat your flesh! Happy Valentine's Day! - or maybe just a general cheap flower, better yet, maybe steal some from a public garden. (This would show that you're willing to commit petty crimes for your love. And who doesn't love a mediocre outlaw for their love?) If you go the cheap/stolen flower route, throw them everywhere - and I do mean everywhere - and even serve them for dinner, regardless of whether or not they're edible. (Hint: They're probably not.) If you're feeling especially kinky, hide petals in your orifices or superglue them to your naked body to give your lover an extra special surprise in the bedroom! Why merely go through the motions on the holiday when you could traumatize your significant other, ensuring that they'll never be able to forget you if you ever break up? (No matter how hard they try. There are some things in this world no amount of alcohol can erase.)

2) Chocolate from the Heart - Yes, Valentine's Day is a chocolate holiday. (Apparently in a different sense from New Orleans being a chocolate city. If you don't know what I'm talking about, ask an adult.) Whether it acts as an aphrodisiac or you simply "enjoy the flavor," nary a V-Day passes without mass consumptions of chocolate. (Which lead to eventual arguments about perceived weight game and messy cycles of break-ups and reconciliations, completing the messy fractal that is the diagram of modern love.) Once again, though, why be uncreative? Cheesy cartoon heart-shaped boxes of mystery chocolates - half of which are full of garbage, anyway - are pretty dated. It's the 21st century - and who cares if you can't cook - show your love by making your own homemade scale model of a human heart entirely out of bitter baker's chocolate. You get bonus sexy points if you can successfully simulate your significant other's mitral valve prolapse that threatens to ruin your sex lives forever if things don't improve.

3) A Little Game of Pretend - You've probably been together a while now, huh? (If not, let's just pretend. Even if it means pretending in regards to an already-imaginary significant other.) Things're probably pretty lukewarm in the bedroom at best - that Alf puppet fetish just makes everything awkward. This year, why not spice things up with a little role-playing? Specifically, spend several weeks beforehand mastering another tone of voice - but only when your beloved isn't around, you can't be ruining the surprise, can you? - then buy a heavy coat, ski mask, and handgun. (In a pinch, a model gun that looks relatively close to the real thing can work as well. It's a February evening, still dark out enough that they won't be able to tell.) From there, you rent a car, stalk them outside of their workplace, and the moment they're alone, angrily, violently accost them and shove them into the back of your rental. (A windowless van would be most ideal - bonus points if there are visible bloodstains in the back.) Blindfold them and bind their hands and feet - it's getting pretty hot now, huh? - then drive off, handling the car aggressively enough to ensure that they'll get knocked around quite a bit back there. Spend the next several days driving aimlessly from shantytown to shantytown - ideally crossing at least several states' lines. (Bonus points in this case if the kidnapping is caught on surveillance and you end up on the run from Johnny Law. Why not make it a trip to Cleveland?) Once you've traveled far enough, pull into an empty, poorly lit Stuckey's parking lot (If need be, substitute the parking lot of a similar establishment.), get in the back of that van, remove your partner's blindfold, and then your ski mask. They'll be so relieved to see you that all you'll have to do then is get ready for love-making like you've never experienced before! (Or the most horrific relationship conflict you'll ever face. This is an as of yet unproven method and may still need some ironing out. Also, try to make sure your significant other doesn't die over the course of the post-abduction road trip - this cannot be emphasized enough.)

I bet you're feeling pretty romantically inclined now - are you?

What?

Don't give me that look.

Man, all I did was try to help. Fine. Be a living cliche. I'm gonna go spend my Valentine's Day alone again, probably playing video games. Like cool people do.