Making Women Putty in your Meathooks

Well, it's finally 2008, and I know what you're all thinking: "Why haven't I gotten laid yet?"

Yes, such creepy, shallow thoughts to begin the new year on. But you know who you are. This comes as no surprise. James Brown is dead and you are not a sex machine. Time to get over it.

Of course, in accepting that there might just be more to this thing called life than the mere tedious pursuit of self-gratification on the body of another, you might start to feel a little depressed. The world exists in shades of gray!? Who knew?! I blame Istanbul! Now, now, before you start picking random geographical locations to vent your frustrations on - that's how wars get started, you know - chin up, lads! That last sex advice column gig might've gone horribly, disturbingly wrong, but this time? Being the existential pimp that I am, having nothing better to do, I'm here to guide you along down the path to a woman's heart, and eventually, your real goal - her nethers. Why would you want any sort of connection beyond a physical one, after all? Don't you know that love is a myth perpetuated by corporations to sell greeting cards, so you may as well just bone? Ignore the centuries of love stories and emotional tales of meaningful connections between human beings - some dude just wrote those in his parents' basement last month while high on PCP. He also has a time machine. Thus, everything adds up.

By now, you're wondering whether or not to expect a sequential list of things to do to make the opposite sex quiver. Of course there's going to be a list! With numbers, and everything! I'm hardly a predictable writer, you realize. Pish posh. Even though those aren't actual words. If I've learned anything from these internet love advice things online, it's that all women are exactly the same, and all you have to do is learn a set of specific tricks to lie your way into bed that will work on everybody! How do you think those things like the Mystery "Distract her and stick it in before she changes her mind! Make her feel bad about herself first!" Method work? And how can an upright gentleman like "Mystery" or the hordes of anonymous individuals on the internet who claim to know how all women function be wrong? It's science.

1) The Candy Factor - To get the ladies, you must take to heart this first key element of "seduction artist"/creepy guy-dom: Be more like John Candy. It's up to you to figure out what this means on your own, and if you can't, you're a lost cause and should surrender to a life of celibacy now. The ladies love them some John Candy. To all the ladies reading this now, just look at that picture - are you feeling it? It's futile to fight it. And try as you might, guys, you will never rock as hard as John Candy.

2) Awkwardness Protection - We human beings sure are an awkward lot of creatures, aren't we? You weren't supposed to answer that - it was a rhetorical question. Sheesh. Anyway, it's inevitable that somewhere in the courtship process - say, every part of it - you're going to experience some awkward moments. Timing is everything, they say, so how you handle these moments is critical. Sure, some people use these moments to look into one another's eyes and let the romantic tension flow through the both of you as you unite in some rapturous kiss as the background music dramatically crescendos like in old movies. Others, like myself, look away nervously and maybe say something stupid in order to completely ruin the moment and help ensure that you won't talk to your romantic interest for years. There's a fine art to destroying perfect moments like that, but only if you do it without actively trying. In this modern world, neither of these options are particularly good. What I'm getting at here is that you should always carry drugs. And I'm not talking legal drugs like ibuprofen or anything like that in case one of you gets a headache while you're around each other, or even mild recreational drugs like pot - don't be a lightweight. I'm not suggesting you raid the local hospital for morphine either - that's too much work. Basically, just carry some heroin or crack cocaine on you at all times. If carried properly, a good crack pipe can even be used to accentuate your male features - no woman can resist a guy desperate to impress her by shoving things down his pants. (Extra points if they're sharp objects that may wound you grievously and leave you impotent and/or sterile!) There's no icebreaker in an awkward moment quite like "Hey, wanna shoot up?" or "I got some of this crack here - what say we smokes it together?" Remember these things and you'll be a regular lothario in no time.

3) Proper Linguistics (For the sake of being hip, let's call them "lings" ... on second thought, let's not) - You can tell my rating on the class-o-meter is off the charts by the way I refer to all women as "the ladies" at least 90% of the time. (Actual figures may vary.) It lets them know that I may only know one term for what they are and to lower their vocabulary-related expectations of me. (And if you want to succeed with the ladies in life - and especially the bedroom - you want them to keep all their expectations of you as low as possible.) But then, it's not my grade-A reserve of word-knowingness that draws the ladies to me to begin with. If you're really good, you can communicate in a series of grunts and still score a hole-in-one, if you know what I mean. (Golf metaphors are important when degrading women. Eagle! Birdie! Putt! 3-Wood! So much scathing sports satire!)

4) A Cool Name - According to the internets, women - and when they say this, they mean all women, because they're both psychic and also all women are the same, apparently - decide within the first five minutes of meeting you whether or not they would ever have sex with you. In my case, this decision is always no, but my purpose here is to help you. Maybe if they got to know the real me, they'd learn to regret being so hasty in their - let it go, just let it go, you're writing something important here. Sorry about that, I don't know where that came from. Getting back to the point, you don't care about making a good first impression, and being that you are male, you can't make a good first impression. If you do, you're probably a liar and a jewel thief, and there's too damn many of you clogging up the subway system as is. There is an effective cheat code - not unlike in those television game-box things - to circumvent the entire first-impression hurdle. A deceptively simple one at that. If you tell women that your name is Humphrey, they will want to get on you instantly. It's half your name, after all. Even if you are an unscrupulous liar. You're only in it for the bedroom romp anyway. You make me sick.

5) An Escape Plan - Yeah, you don't care about women anyway, do you? All you want to do is use them to your dirty ends. To gratify yourself like the sociopath you are. Die in a fire already! If you've already learned how to use these other tips to your advantage - and I hate you if you do - you're practically guaranteed action anytime you want it in this and any century. An oft forgotten and still critically important element in the art of action-getting is formulating a good escape plan. As soon as you've finished gratifying yourself - you friggin' bastard - you need to get out of there, pronto. They say women all fall in love after sex, that that's where the attachment begins. (If you're looking to important internet advice, anyway, and ignore every Lifetime movie ever made. And also the parts of said movies where the guy always ends up beating the woman with a curtainrod, which just plain isn't cool behavior. Remember kids, misogyny is bad!) You can avoid these trappings like a leaf on the wind if you go in well prepared - and come out feeling proud and empty. The method to go for here is to ultimately carry smoke bombs on you at all times. Upon completing your copulation, you must immediately throw one of said bombs while shouting "Ninja Vanish!" When done properly, it will be as though you were never there to begin with. If you've taken all the previous advice to heart, you'll have women so dizzy with hormones that they'll burn for you even more when you make it openly apparent that you're so resourceful, you'll be getting the fuck out of there as soon as you can - regardless of whether she's satisfied, as she probably won't be, even remotely. No woman can resist a man so resourceful and confident. Not even the smart ones. Especially the smart ones.

There. Now you know all that you need to know to ruin pretty much everyone's life but your own and I personally hope that now that you've absorbed all of this information, you're hit by a speeding bus the next time you look out the window. That's right, a whole friggin' bus, right through your damn window! Way to make my first post of 2008 a heart-rending, painful one that will only cause everybody more misery than they're properly equipped to handle. I've created an army of monsters! ... or going by this blog's usual hits, a small handful, maybe!

So, there you have it. One of those kinda stupid posts to kick off the new year. Maybe I'll write a guide for you ladies reading down the line too, so you'll finally know what's really going on in men's minds that those magazines and their endless reprints of "PLEASE YOUR MAN!!!11" articles don't know. (Hint: It's mostly one of those wind-up toy monkeys slapping cymbals together. Those things rule.)