Thursday, January 10, 2008

Primary Pandemonium

No matter where you go, no matter your efforts to hide away from the truth, it's inescapable - we're in an election year. We're all eager to get rid of George W. Bush, sure. In fact, if American democracy were healthy, the system of checks and balances functional, and the American people not easily manipulated by fear-mongering, we'd have rid ourselves of this corrupt lot in charge years ago.

Primary season has begun, and the ranks of candidates in the running have thinned. (The Democrats more than the Republicans - Republican candidates have a hard time admitting when they don't have a chance, after all, they can always pull a few strings, if push comes to shove. You voted for Mike Gravel? Looks like you're an Alan Keyes booster now! At this point in time, we still need eight rich guys waving their hands, going "Ooh! Ooh! I can be like Bush too!") Of course, as many issues as we've seen bandied about between the candidates in the battle for our votes - and in turn, our nation's future (Before we become one big Starbucks franchulate, anyway. Would you like some coffee, Canada? Try our new banana nutmeg flavor! It's Americalicious!) - one important issue has gone practically ignored by the media. Rarely have they questioned any of those running on this issue at this critical juncture.

Just what is this issue, you ask? The definitive question of whether they're going to stand up for a woman's right to choose as misogynists continue their campaign to overturn Roe v. Wade? Whether they'd ever agree to dissolve the electoral system and allow every individual's vote to mean the same? If they even cared about health care access for the impoverished - including cave trolls? None of the above, I'm afraid, important questions as they are. No, the issue I'm speaking of here is none other than the looming threat posed by cyborgs to not only America, but the world as we know it. These cyborgs have permeated our society for far too long. First they came to eat our brains and steal our identities and precious, precious knowledge of infomercials. Then they began to make our coffee, drive our combine harvesters, fly our spacecraft, even steal our wallets! These cyborgs walk amongst us - and they must be stopped.

But a few candidates have spoken on - let alone acknowledged the existence of - these cyborgs. And so, you should peruse this information when voting in your state's primary and ultimately casting the deciding votes in November. Will we be a nation at war with itself? Or will we simply let the cyborg menace continue on unnoticed?

Let's start with the Democratic candidates:

Mike Gravel - When asked what he thought of the cyborgs, Gravel simply said, "What? Why was I not told of these infernal machines sooner!" He then proceeded to stare blankly into a webcam for five minutes before letting loose a passionate tirade about direct democracy and the importance of educating people about cyborgs, allowing grassroots campaigns to protect the human race from these confounding machines to gain legislative voice. Gravel himself has on several occasions been accused of being a cyborg, however, testing has shown him to be 100% human, and simply awkwardly staring into webcams before speaking because, and I quote, "Old people are always bad with technology. Always." The individual I am quoting here has asked that I withhold their identity for their own protection.

Dennis Kucinich - "I believe these cyborgs to be of an earthly origin," said Kucinich on July 23rd, 2007 at a sparsely attended press conference. "The one time I witnessed a UFO, its propulsion mechanisms were clearly of an origin so advanced that they could not have come from the same source as these awkward, clunky cyborgs we're dealing with." He was the first politician to point out how easily identified cyborgs are in everyday life, from their unsteady gait to their tendency to fall down frequently and often take up to half an hour to return to their feet, in addition to their characteristic tin can ears. Kucinich feels that while the cyborgs themselves are not much of a threat due to their own incompetence, it would be in the best interest of the pursuit of world peace to uncover the source of the cyborgs, so that we may yet learn to deactivate their killer instinct and bring them to a more docile state of consciousness. "Only then," says Kucinich, "can we look forward to naturalizing our half-mechanical brothers and sisters, becoming the world's first nation where humans and cyborgs may live together in peace." Kucinich's ideals are beautiful, but as they do not involve wanton violence, it is unlikely that the American people will ever embrace them.

The more popular candidates have declined to comment on the issue. Tabloids, however, are claiming possession of photographic evidence that Hillary Clinton may be a cyborg. These same tabloids, of course, brought us the miracle of Bat Boy just years ago. America's love affair with Bat Boy has yet to end.

Conversely, many more Republican candidates have spoken out loudly on the cyborg issue. Many, however, suspect a distinct lack of sincerity in their words, raising the military budget and engaging in acts of slaughter happens to be a popular Republican pastime, after all, and for many, a rite of passage.

Rudy Giuliani - Giuliani started on what he promised would be an epic condemnation of the cyborgs on October 17th, 2007. However, he was drunk at the party at a time, and his ramblings dissolved into slurring "9-11" repeatedly under his breath. Like many prominent politicians, this incident led to his being accused of being a cyborg. Giuliani refused a Human Authentication Test, but despite this, many have given up on the Giuliani-Cyborg theory, resigning themselves to the likelihood of his simply being another two-dimensional one-issue candidate.

Mike Huckabee - Open fundamentalist Christian and presidential candidate Mike Huckabee, who frighteningly pulled off a win in the Iowa primary, spoke only once on cyborgs: "I believe that there is cyborg hunting in heaven!" Unfortunately, Huckabee was neither drunk nor at a party when he said this, and no one has asked him to clarify since. Common interpretation by the right-wing media has been that god has spoken through Huckabee and asked us to commit cyborg genocide. But every time god supposedly speaks to a politician - and it's always a Republican - he seems to be asking us to slay one race or creed or another. It begs the question: "What's so great about white people?"

Mitt Romney - When popular Mormon candidate Mitt Romney was asked about cyborgs during a Republican presidential debate back in Fall 2007, he was captured on film simply running away from the podium. He did not return to finish that debate.

Fred Thompson - The reaction of television star Fred Thompson to questioning about the cyborg issue was a most curious one. He simply stared into space and proclaimed "I'm on TV!" repeatedly. Then simply left on the note of "No more questions." Whether this indicates Thompson's status as a cyborg or his inability to answer simple questions is still being debated.

Ron Paul - The Republican "I'm cool on the internet, even if my aims are pretty much all horrible" candidate simply stated when asked that he supports cyborgs like he does humans - as economic entities. He went on to say that he believed in giving them a voice in the government process, but that if states voted to exterminate them, that was perfectly okay with him too, as the market would thusly have spoken. He also feels the same way about non-whites, homosexuals, women, children, and astronauts. So take that as you will.

This cyborg presence in our world is a frightening one, isn't it? But perhaps I was being too hasty. Perhaps I couldn't see past my own cyborg prejudices, as so many people in this world have their own prejudices they're afraid to admit - making it impossible for them to overcome them. Writing about all this has given me a lot to think about. Maybe Kucinich is right. May underneath their diamond-stealing, brain-eating ways, cyborgs are just humans with tin cans for ears and antennae sticking out of their foreheads! Maybe we just need to stop their grand overlord and allow these individuals to begin life anew as humans like the rest of us, and exist as more than mere brain-munching commodities, as the Libertarians would prefer.

In this crazy world, it's easy to get caught up in fear-mongering, particularly involving those different from us - women, any race other than white people, gays, atheists, communists, Muslims, cyborgs - they've all been victims of this demonization. Instead, we should face our fears and realize that they aren't so different from the rest of us. They're not so scary when we can understand them. Even if they do walk the streets at night looking for another identity to steal.

At least they're not those damn zombies.

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